Saturday night/early Sunday morning
i can't sleep. i'm staring at one of two channels that i can "pick up" now that my cable is gone. i've watched a CSI & a couple of West Wings. despite their critical acclaim, i never watched these shows until now, when the alternative is to do without. they're actually both really good!
i wish i had the internet right now. it would give me something productive to do. like look for low-paying jobs or map my trip or something. (you'd think i'd have the path home memorized by now!)
i want to just hop in my car and go now. this time next week i'll be preparing for an early-morning sunday or monday departure - i still haven't decided which. although if i'm feeling THIS anxious in seven days? i'll probably leave on sunday. hell. maybe even saturday if the stars are aligned.
the majority of my possessions are sealed away haphazardly in boxes now. my battery operated boyfriends (yes, i said that in the plural sense, what of it?!) are tucked amongst important papers, a towel rack, & other unrelated items. nothing like a quickie move to make one feel even more discomBOBulated.
so yeah. i've got another week left & i'm not looking forward to it. in addition to working out my notice & training a temp, i've got at least one important thing i have to do every day before i go.
i don't know how i'm going to concentrate to TRAIN someone this week. my head is SO check out from that job.
i talked to my boss for perhaps the last time on friday (as he'll be in Taipei for the next couple of weeks). he was really cool & offered me a glowing letter of recommendation if i so desired. i think i'll take him up on that - although given his track record, i'll already have started a second job by the time i receive it. God bless his little canadian heart.
i'm gonna miss my speedo sporting european friends more than i'll miss the folks in the office that i see day in & day out. perhaps because i chose to share more with them about myself than with those on my own turf. i just wasn't in to making a lot of work friends at this job. even after joining the entertainment committee - i never attended any of the events i helped to plan... weird.
i killed a spider on the porch earlier tonight. when i came back outside here about 20 minutes ago, it still sat squished but untouched. sometime since i began writing this, a swarm of ants appeared out of nowhere & are currently dismantling the arachnoid leg by leg. i wonder if the poison inside is harmful to the ants... if so, they're certainly showing no signs of it yet - they're happily muching away. i want to blow on them real hard & see what state the spider is in after their feast. there's something morbid about that - but i'm just curious.
i kind of feel a kindred to that poor spider. i feel like i've been squished the past few months & then outnumbered with hungry hoards tearing in to me out of nowhere - only i can come back. i AM coming back. but the little spider is gone forever. stupid me for squishing him. ...oh who am i kidding. if i saw his cousin crawling hear me right now? i'd squash him too.
the swarm scattered save four or five. greedy bastards. there's only one leg & a miniscule twisted trace of a carcass. tomorrow there will be nothing left. only ants running around following their leader, looking for their next fallen victim to devour.
Sunday night 8:30pm
i started my period last night. i'm glad to get it out of the way, but it sucks at the same time since i'm packing & its so fucking hawt outside. it has cooled off substantially this evening though. it actually feels quite nice. cool evenings after a hot day = one of the things i'll miss most about san diego.
another thing i'll miss most is La La - my musical partner in crime. she stopped by this evening bearing gifts (booze & mojito mix - hooray!) & ice cream (for the heat). she's such a thoughtful little peach. it's like she said in the card she got me - while we haven't hung out for a terribly long time, we just have some sort of a connection. i know that she will be my long distance pen pal for years to come. ))<>(( & west coast chicas forever.
i didn't hear from Jodeen this weekend. i'll admit that bummed me out pretty bad. i know she's probably busy with the new boy, but i'm the old girl & i'm leaving in 6 or 7 days! =( i know i'll talk to her this week, & she will make me laugh & i'll forget about it. but she better make time for me sometime this week or else!
i want her to hook me up with Jesse on friday so i can get my hair highlighted before i go. i'm going for a Kelly Clarkson amount of highlights - so sue me. i'll either have her or Pixie do my eyebrows too. then i should get to see La La one more time before i go.
i'm going to 80's thursday night for one last hoorah. i really wanna see Lisa again. i wish things had gone as planned so i could have hung out with her & Jon at Pride, but i had too much packing & stuff going on. my friend Michelle had invited me to the Whistlestop to catch a friends band & i didn't make that either. nor was i able to meet up with Becca when she was attempting to ride down for the evening on saturday. packing is the suck.
all my shit is ready for the moving appraisal tomorrow. i'm hoping the quote comes down a bit. if it gets any higher i'll be at three grand & i might just chuck my shit in the streets at that point.
but back to gayness. Anna & i have a friend in FL in his early 30's that only recently came to terms with his preference for men. he's dated & had sex with girls, and is to - the naked eye - a man's man. he even rooms with military guys. cool guys, but military nontheless. so within the past year he came out to Anna & Anna only. very recently he developed his first openly admitted man crush. (the two are strictly friends, but regardless, it was a step towards his own acceptance.) next he shared a man kiss. a couple of weeks ago, he came out to his very straight friends & roomies, who were shocked but not bothered. (one of them joked to Anna that he wanted to buy our friend an ascot as a "coming out" gift.) last night our little gay friend lost his gay virginity. after 30 years. its about damn time!
i could not be happier for him that he's chosen to embrace who he is. this further impresses upon me, as if i ever doubted, that most people simply don't choose their feelings about what gender to love & long for companionship with. so in my way, i experienced my own gay pride this weekend.
i read Charlie & the Chocolate Factory earlier today in one sitting. its a much quicker read than i remember from my early years. i had forgotten that the book never claimed Charlie & Grandpa Joe to have misbehaved in any way, unlike the original movie in which they dipped into the gas that made them floate until they belched their way down to safety. and the book reveals all the bratty winners that befell much-deserved candy coated tragedies during their visit all came out mostly unharmed. reading this made me want to reread James & the Giant Peach too. i have the movie, but there's something about getting lost in a book that i'm really drawn to lately. i used to be such a bookworm growing up. i think i remembered what it is i've been missing about that - my inner imagination. damn television!
speaking of, earlier today i had my choice of car racing or golf. perfect reason to take a nap. only i grabbed the book instead. after i'd finished i realized that i could also pick up a spanish channel that was playing an old Jane Wyman film in english with spanish subtitles. i don't know the name of the movie, but her characters name was Connie & she was divorcing her husbnad that she was still in love with. at the end, & after much whimsical shenanigans, they reunited. oh the good old days.
three nights ago i dreamed that my ex - whom i previously moved her for back in '96 - was cheating on his wife with me. every few months i have a rather vivid dream about him & i'm never quite sure what brings it on. maybe this time it was because Tina told me last weekend that he & his family (wife, kids, dogs) were moving to Denver. i dunno.
the next night i had a bizarre dream in which Johnny Depp & i realized we were soulmates. maybe because a few nights ago i'd seen him on Jay Leno. i mean, i LIKE Johnny Depp, but its not like i obsess over him or anything. ...in my dream he was not as famous - but he was still Johnny Depp. he was still odd & elusive but with a macabre idea of what our being soulmates meant. very black widow like. and i loved loved loved him, but had no desire to eat him - just to be his mate.
last night i had a realationship dream too, tho my sleep was deep & troubled so i'm having difficulty putting a face to my parther. i don't think he was anyone of consquence - meaning i don't think i knew who he was. ...maybe he's someone i haven't yet met?
...i don't know why i'm dreaming of relationships. i'm not thinking about them during my waking life. at least not longingly. a boyfriend/partner is simply not important to me right now. but perhaps a feeling of completeness is. so maybe its connected to my going home to try & explore my settling down/creative side.
almost 10 years later & i'm still bouncing from one coast to the other. trying to find myself. just like i'd guessed while taking one of those blasted email surveys so many years ago.